Trouble Brewing in the House of Sand
by KalliopeStarmist
Summary: Gaara's parents before he was born. The version your Uncle Yashamaru didn't tell you. If you've ever wondered why Mom didn't tell Dad exactly where he could stick Shukaku, then this may be your fic!
1. Meet Mr and Mrs Of the Sand

Trouble Brewing in the House of Sand

Chapter One: Meet Mr. and Mrs. Of the Sand

A/N: Friendly reminder that there are NO original characters in the following fic. It just seems like it, because all the characters I deal with are shamefully underdeveloped. Also, this story was written before Minato, so he's just "Yondaime", and I refer to Karura (that would be Gaara's crazy mum) as "Rosemary"... not for any good reason.

I like Gaara's mom and dad; his mom was apparently really unmaternal, and his dad hangs out on street corners and doesn't talk much. I also like his effeminate bi-polar uncle.

* * *

Once upon a time there was a girl named Rosemary, who lived in a magical, far-away, sandy place. Flagstaff, Arizona, to be precise, but locally it was known as Sunagakure. Why? I dunno. I've never been to Suna or Flagstaff.

Anyway, her name was Rosemary, but she called herself Rose, and everyone knew her as Anita.

Now, she and her man had been married right out of school, back when they were young, in love, and big hippies. And by "big hippies", I of course mean they puffed the magic dragon quite a bit. They had been together pretty much as long as anyone could remember, although, this wasn't necessarily all that long, since all of their friends were big stoners as well.

His name nobody used, or, if they were honest, knew at all. However, since it seemed impolite to admit that they couldn't remember his name, nobody ever asked. They simply referred to him as "the Kazekage", or, if he was in the room, "Kazekage-sama". (Rosemary was the only exception to this rule. She called him Lamont. This wasn't his name, but the Kazekage didn't want to admit that his own wife couldn't remember his name.)

As is often the case when a couple is married right out of school, it was not long before Rosemary and the Kazekage realized they had made a huge mistake, and that they in fact hated one another's guts. He coped by burying himself in the demands and burdens of running an entire Shinobi nation (into the ground, that is), and she coped by turning to the same substance that she had been hyped up on when she agreed to marry him in the first place. Namely, marijuana.

"Lamont!" she called one morning, walking into his office (their home doubled as the Suna Town Hall, sort of like the White House) in her underwear and one of his old T-shirts. "Lamont, I thought I told you to buy some more grass," she hissed, ignoring the room's other occupant. "We didn't have enough for a decent buzz this morning, let alone a whole joint."

"Uh, Anita?" the Kazekage interrupted embarrassedly. "I'm kind of busy..."

"Well, baby, if you had bought the stuff like I told you to earlier, you wouldn't have this problem to worry about right now."

The room's other occupant, as it turned out, was a handsome stranger. "Hey, Kaze," he hailed Rosemary's husband casually, "I didn't know you had a sister."

"This is my wife," growled the Kazekage.

"No kidding?" gasped the man, blinking his clear blue eyes in surprise. "How'd a guy like you end up with a babe like her?"

"Some guys just have all the luck, I guess," Rosemary purred, wrapping her arms around her husband. Only one factor kept their marriage together; both had a deep-seated need to Keep Up Appearances.

"Sweetheart," the Kazekage said sweetly, the irony undetected by his guest, "this is the Hokage from Fire Country." The Hokage winked at her and pushed some of his unruly blond hair from his eyes mischievously. "We were discussing the—,"

Suddenly, an unimportant flunky (we'll call him Baki... if we call him at all) burst into the room. "Sir, the kettle has set the Treasury Building on fire! Again!"

Swearing loudly to himself, the Kazekage bolted from the room.

"So..." the Hokage said after a moment. "You're Mrs. Of the Sand."

Rosemary nodded. "And you're... Yondaime, right?"

"Yup. Say, you pretty serious about your husband?"

"No." Rosemary said frankly. "You're cute, you know that?"

And roughly nine months later, Temari was born.


	2. Rosemary's Daughter and Son

Trouble Brewing in the House of Sand

Chapter 2: Rosemary's Daughter and Son

* * *

Given that only two Kages ever get any press, it can be safely inferred that Sand and Leaf have fairly close ties, and it wasn't exactly hard for Mrs. Kazekage and the Hokage to keep up their affair.

One night, it happened that Yondaime was staying in Suna on some sort of diplomatic occasion, and he and his two hosts were sitting in the living room, drinking coffee spiked with a shot of alcohol and trying to act like they were all just good friends. (Instead of secret lovers or leaders of villages that were thinly-disguised rivals.)

As they were making sundry conversation, the baby monitor started crying.

"I'll get her," offered the Kazekage, walking out. A moment later his voice came on the monitor. "Hey, Temari! What's wrong, baby? Oh, don't cry, Daddy's here!"

"Yeah, he's in the living room having coffee with Mommy," Rosemary snorted. She set down her coffee. "Yondaime, we need to talk."

"I already promised to help with her college," he said hurriedly.

"No, not about Temari. About all this. We need to stop."

"Aw, Rose-chan, we haven't even begun," Yondaime laughed gently, kissing her neck.

"No, for real," she said, pulling away. "I'm _married_." Casanova Hokage (he did train under Jiraiya, right?) pulled closer, slipping his hands under her shirt. "Yondy!" she giggled nervously, blushing, "my husband is in the next room!"

Suddenly, Yondaime pulled away from her. "You're right," he said seriously. "This is wrong."

"Very wrong," Rosemary confirmed.

"I mean, I'm working with your husband to keep peace between two nations that have been at war for centuries. The fate of hundreds of people rest on my shoulders... we're only two people... we can't sacrifice all those lives for our own happiness."

"You're right. It would be selfish to give in to our love..."

"It can never be."

Rose nodded. "Actually," she said with a grin, "that's kind of hot."

"Yeah, it is," Yondaime agreed.

And nine months later, Kankuro was born.

* * *

Meanwhile, during those nine months:

Rosemary's daughter was, by all accounts, an odd child. She didn't speak in any tongue her family could understand, but she prattled away constantly in a strange-little girl language, and didn't seem inclined to pick up any words besides the ones she invented herself. In fact, nobody understood a word Temari said except for the teakettle.

The teakettle was evil. Nobody was entirely sure where it came from or how it got to be evil, only that it was. It had been handed down in the Kazekage's family for generations and served no function besides hissing and entertaining Temari.

"Mr. Shukaku, if I rub you three times, do I get a wish?" she would ask in Temarese.

"No, you just get soot on your hand," the teakettle would answer in a series of hisses that only Temari could translate.

"Oh. Well, can you see the future?"

"Eh, it depends."

"Like, am I going to be pretty when I grow up?"

"I don't know. I know you'll be very angry and very strong, and beat on anyone who gives you crap."

"Like Mulan?"

"Who's Mulan?"

"She's only the best Disney Princess ever!" And Temari would go through a comprehensive examination of Mulan vs the other Princesses until someone (usually her father or one of his unimportant flunkies) found her and relocated her to the relatively evil-free nursery. They probably needn't have worried so much. Shukaku much preferred her to any of the other idiots he dealt with. Of course, this might be because she was an infant.

"Mr. Shukaku," she asked one day. "Could you kill my parents for me?"

"No. Do your own dirty work."

"Aw, you're no fun," pouted Temari, scooping up a handful of the sand that always seemed to surround the evil kettle and letting in fall in a pile.

"Are you angry about the new baby?"

"Yes. I don't want another baby. And I don't want to go and stay with Aunt Yashamaru while it's born, either."

"Uncle. Yashamaru's your uncle."

"I thought uncles were boys."

"They are—," Shukaku thought about Mrs. Kazekage's entirely-too-effeminate brother. "Never mind, I don't want to confuse you. Anyway, you'll only be there for a night or so."

"But I want to stay here and talk to you!"

"I'll still be here when you get back. I don't get to leave, remember? You're lucky. You get to go places."

"Aunt Yasha's house."

"Hey, I'm trying to cheer you up, here."

* * *

So, Temari went to stay with her Uncle, and when she got back, she had a blond-haired, blue-eyed, very-obviously-resembling-the-Hokage little brother, Kankuro. He seemed a little on the slow side to a girl who befriended demons and spoke her own language, but what can you do?

That night, she was lying in her crib, trying to reconcile herself with the knowledge that the crib next to hers was now occupied, when something very odd happened. The door creaked open.

Earlier, while Kankuro was busy being born, Uncle Yashamaru had been entertaining his niece with fairytales. Now, you must remember, Temari was barely a year old, and he naturally assumed that she was being quiet because she was tired, not because she was listening intently.

But she had been listening, and part of the story came back to her now.

"When a baby is born," the story went, "its' parents must be careful, for, late at night, if no one is watching, They will come to visit. The Normal Fairies."

Sure enough, as baby Temari peeked through the bars of her crib, a bizarre entourage of tiny people, maybe three feet high, tiptoed into the room, wearing long pants of the finest blue denim and odd shirts with kangaroo pockets and hoods. All had big, filmy, iridescent wings sprouting from their backs. Temari, remembering her uncle's story, remained motionless. Horrible things happened to those caught spying on the Normal Fairies.

"They especially like the blond-haired, blue-eyed ones, so we're lucky they didn't steal you," Yashamaru had told her, not realizing, of course, that Kankuro would have these features. "They sneak into its room in the dead of the night and swap it for one of their own babies that they no longer want. The changeling is raised as the humans' own child, and the human baby is taken to the Court of Norm and taught to be average."

And sure enough, the invaders in the nursery danced up to Kankuro (because fairies dance when they play Changeling), scooped him up, set down a fairy baby, and danced off again with Temari's little brother.

Even though the new Kankuro had much darker hair and brown eyes, nobody seemed to notice the switch. Indeed, Rosemary only remarked, "see, I told you he would darken up," to her husband, who apologized for the allegations of a secret alliance between Sand and Leaf, and life went on.

The new baby also had large fairy wings, but nobody found this particularly odd.

* * *

"I like the new Kankuro better," Temari confided in the kettle. "The old one drooled too much."

"Of course, you only knew him for a few hours."

"I still like this one better."

* * *

"Sis, he's got brown eyes," Yashamaru suddenly noticed one day while overstaying his welcome at his sister's house.

"What of it?" Rosemary asked, reclaiming her son from her brother.

"Well, isn't that impossible? You and his father both have blue eyes, and blue is a recessive— AK!" he cut off as Rosemary grabbed him by the collar and pulled him close to her.

"Listen, Yash," she growled, "you're always saying how much you love me, why don't you prove it by not deliberately blowing the cover on my affair?"

"I know, but doesn't your sugar daddy have blue eyes?"

Kankuro fluttered his wings endearingly.

* * *

Karura: Guess what! I have REAL a name!

Kazekage: They're not all they've cracked up to be.

Karura: Oh shut up, "Lamont", you're just jealous.


	3. Scenes from a Dysfunctional Marriage

Trouble Brewing in the House of Sand

Chapter 3: Scenes from a Dysfunctional Marriage

A/N to impressionable readers: Drugs are bad for you, and I do not advocate them in any way, shape, or form. (Except Crack Pairings. Support your local crack pairing.)

* * *

One fateful day a year or so later, the Kazekage returned from a long business trip to find everything pretty much the way he had left it. The kettle was hissing quietly to Temari, who was babbling back to it while holding onto one of Kankuro's wings, keeping him near the ground while he played. The Kazekage assumed that Yashamaru had been commissioned to watch them and had promptly abandoned them, this having been the case when he last saw his children. Yashamaru, in the Kazekage's opinion, was the most worthless, unreliable bum on the face of the planet. Oddly enough, this was Yashamaru's opinion of the Kazekage.

Counting on unimportant flunkie Baki, or, heck, dare to dream, even Yashamaru to realize that the children were unattended and act accordingly, the Kazekage headed towards his bedroom.

Sure enough, Rosemary was lying on the bed, watching TV, exactly as he had left her two weeks ago. Occasionally, just occasionally, the Kazekage felt that his life was in a rut.

"So, you're back," his wife observed without looking up from The Days of Our Lives.

"I'm back."

"How were the Chunin Exams? Fun, I hope. _Memorable_."

"It is very important that I be present."

"So much more than our anniversary," Rosemary sighed. "Every year, Lamont. Every, single year."

"Don't give me that crap," the Kazekage snapped irritably. "You don't want me here for our anniversary any more than I want to be here. And look at it this way, everybody admires how _understanding_ you are, how _supportive_," he growled with extra sarcasm dripping on the "understanding" and "supportive" bits. "A boost up the social ladder, ne?"

"For you or for me?" Rosemary snarled back. "Who's the one worried? The only person I'm trying to impress is my burnt-out brother who said I shouldn't marry you in the first place, and frankly, it's damn hard to prove him wrong."

The Kazekage paused for a moment. "By the way, is he supposed to be watching the kids? Because he's not out there..."

Rosemary shrugged. "Oh, Baki will get them."

This point settled, the couple returned to their argument.

"I don't need your lazy-ass attitude after this week," the Kazekage growled, turning to leave.

"Why did you even come in here to begin with?" Rosemary snapped angrily.

"I..." The Kazekage paused and removed his hand from the doorknob he was in the process of turning. He became quiet, almost shy. "I brought you this," he mumbled, tossing a bag of suspicious greenery to his wife and turning to leave once more.

"Hey," Rosemary stopped him, smiling self-consciously, and held up the bag. "Do you... want to split it?"

* * *

"Y'know, y'know what's weird," the Kazekage said to his wife when the two of them were quite baked. "You can grow pot without sun, but you can't grow it without soil."

Rosemary leaned on his shoulder. "What happened?" she asked sadly.

"Huh?" asked the Kazekage, the subject change too much for someone in his condition.

"What happened to us, Lamont? We used to be so happy."

"Well, for starters, Anita, my name isn't Lamont."

"And mine isn't Anita."

"I've been busy... I've been running a nation," sighed the Kazekage.

"So busy that we haven't made love in over a year," Rosemary reminded him.

"I know,"he whispered, holding a hand over her mouth. "... you know, this has to be some pretty powerful stuff, because you look as beautiful as the day I married you."

Rosemary giggled like a stoned schoolgirl. "Funny...I noticed you're just as handsome."

"Come here, you."

And, for the first time in quite a while, Mr. and Mrs. Of the Sand became... intimate.

"Oh, Anita!"

"Oh, Yondy!"

"Yondy?"

"I mean... uh... Oh, Lamont!"

* * *

Two weeks later:

The Kazekage was at an important strategic meeting. "So, if we increase the number of troops along the border, we can tighten defenses here and-,"

"LAMONT!" Rosemary burst in, holding a thin, medical-looking object, which she dropped down on the map in front of her husband. "Is that blue?" she asked.

The Kazekage held it up to the light. "That's blue," he confirmed. "Very definitely blue..."

"Oh boy."

"Does... blue mean what it did...um... the last two times it turned blue?" he asked in an undertone. Rosemary nodded. The couple considered the strip again.

"Definitely blue," they sighed to one another. They turned their heads to the side. "Wait...well..."

"Here, let me see," one of the advisors offered, moving to behind his leader so he could see the strip. The other members of the council crowded around.

"Yup, that's blue," they all agreed.


	4. A Fairy Tale

Trouble Brewing in the House of Sand

Chapter 4: A Fairy Tale

A/N: This section is on crack, even by my standards. If the insane amount of time-manipulation, plot-hole development and stretching of reality that goes on really just messes with your mind, I understand and apologize. (This was written before Kushina.)

It's never sat well with me that Kankuro is such a normal kid (his favorite and least favorite foods are hamburgers and spinach, respectively), and I know I've seen other people around this fandom mention how odd it is that he's so average when his childhood must have been completely insane. Thus, the changeling theory.

Also, Special Cookie Award goes to my reviewer Renjiro, for mentioning that Yondaime isn't his name, it merely means "The Fourth (Hokage)". Techincally, our beloved "Lamont" is also "Yondaime", he's the 4th Kazekage... is it just me, or is weird that the two Yondaimes don't have names and have little demon children?

* * *

"And now, once again number one for the nineteenth week in a row, that's right, it's _Mr. Sandman_ by B-Rad and the Screaming Chocolate Orgasms!" announced the radio. A bubbly, happy tune began playing, accompanied by bubbling, happy female voices.

_"Mr. Sandman, ooh, bring me a dream-,"_

Rosemary reached over and switched off the radio. "I swear, Jafar," (She had taken to calling her husband Jafar during her pregnancy. This wasn't his name, either.) "I'm going to have an allergic reaction to that song."

The Kazekage stopped wrestling with the teakettle briefly. "Just think of it as the baby's theme song."

"Don't say that," shuddered Rosemary. "You'll have me hating it before it's even born and drooling on the Persian rugs."

"Uh-huh," he replied absently, returning to his war with the teakettle. In recent months he and his wife had been getting along well, and as a result he had directed his anger at the Ancestral Possessed Kettle. "Come on, you stupid piece of junk, boil the -- -- water!"

* * *

In another room, Yashamaru was watching his sister's kids. Temari, now two-going-on-three, was just beginning to mix real words into her speech, and he was encouraging her. (Kankuro, age one-going-on-two, had begun speaking at the normal time. In fact, everything Kankuro did was at the normal time.)

"Can you say _Yashamaru_?" Yashamaru asked brightly.

"No," Temari said simply.

"Well at least try," he pleaded.

"No," Temari said again, more firmly. Yashamaru wished, as he often had when watching her, that she spent less time with her 'father'; she seemed to have picked up Daddy's dislike for his brother-in-law.

The door opened, and an unimportant flunkie showed Yondaime into the room.

"Uncle Yondai!" Temari cried joyously, breaking away from Yashamaru and toddling over to him. "Uncle Yonai, look at the new Kankwo, isn't he great?" she asked in garbled Temarese, pointing to the little changeling.

"The new Kankuro?" Yondaime asked, confused despite his inexplicable ability to translate Temari's chatter. He looked down at the baby boy crawling on the floor. "Oh... lot of radiation in these parts?" he asked Yashamaru. "Mutations common?"

"Maybe he'll lighten up," shrugged Yashamaru.

"I meant the wings-,"

"He's a fairy, Uncle Yondai," Temari explained, delighted he could understand her. "The Normal Fairies came when he was a baby and replaced him."

"He's a changeling?" gasped the Hokage.

"What?" Rosemary asked, having been informed privately of the visitor. She was surprised to see her former lover; the two of them had broken off their relationship upon her pregnancy. "Yash, get out of here," she ordered her brother, who retreated obediently. "Now, what's all this about changelings?"

"Temari says Kankuro's a fairy."

"I have wondered about the wings," Rosemary said, not particularly shocked. "So, aside from that, what's up?"

"I need a baby," Yondaime explained. "Trouble with a kitsune, you know."

"Well, you can't have this one," Rosemary laughed, patting her slightly-rounded stomach fondly. "He's not yours."

"I know, sweetheart, but I was thinking of Temari or Kankuro... they're a little older than I'd have liked, but they're the only kids I've got, and you wouldn't _believe_ the fight that the Yamanakas are putting up over their kid, so I've got to use one of my own."

"Well, you can't have Temari," Rosemary said, "she's the only one who can deal with our kettle." A scream of pain and obscenities burst from the kitchen, not unlike what would happen if an evil teakettle had unleashed a torrent of steam on a hapless kage who was trying to make it boil water. Yondaime and Rosemary ignored it.

"But if Kankuro's not human, I don't think I can use him." Yondaime turned to his illegitimate daughter. "Hey, Temari-chan, how do you get rid of a changeling?"

"Uncle Yasha says that if you throw it in the fire, the fairies will take it away and give back the old one," Temari explained blithely. Yondaime relayed this message to Rosemary, who picked up Kankuro.

Temari, realizing where this was going, rushed to his defense, pulling her magical brother back towards the floor. "Nononononono!"

"Temari, let go!" Rosemary snapped.

"Nonononono!" she repeated, tugging relentlessly on Kankuro's foot. "My brother, my brother. I want him to stay!" she yelled in solid understandable adult, stomping on Yondaime's foot when he tried to grab her. "He's my brother!"

Normal Fairy changelings have a defense mechanism; when threatened, their wings fall off to aid them in looking human. And so Kankuro's dropped off now.

Temari grabbed up on of the shed wings with her free hand and swiped at her mother with it. She missed, but created a gust of such ferocity that Rosemary was forced to drop Kankuro.

"The girl's a natural-born ninja," Yondaime said proudly, and, wanting to encourage her, decided to let her keep the fairy child she was so fond of if at all possible. "Temari-chan, is there another way to get the human baby back?"

Temari, still clinging protectively to Kankuro, thought for a moment, then said, in Temarese, "You may be able to go to the Court of Norm and steal him back... Be careful. They will offer you hamburgers and soda; do not eat or drink. Time passes differently in their realm; the baby may be much younger than he should be. You might bring something to bargain with... they like manga."

"What's she saying?" Rosemary asked. Yondaime held up a hand to silence her; he didn't want to miss any of Temari's instructions.

"Manga?... ok, go on. How do you find them?"

* * *

So, Yondaime Hokage began his quest. He journeyed far and came to the Court of Norm. There, he presented himself before the Fairy Queen, Jane Smith, and promised that in return for the life of his son, the fairies would be allowed to base a manga off of his (baby Kankuro's) life.

The bargain was excepted, although the fairies did try to cheat. The first baby they brought out looked like the right one, but Yondaime, wary of their tricks, touched it with spinach, the herb that repels Normal Fairies. The fairy child disappeared, and the real one was brought, still a newborn.

And so, with his infant son in his arms, the legendary Yondaime hitched a ride on the back of a passing toad and rode to his Village's rescue.

"So, what's the boy's name?" the retired Hokage, an old man with liver spots and a crack pipe, asked when his successor returned.

"Kankuro," Yondaime had replied.

"Naruto, huh?" the old Hokage said. He was a little hard of hearing. "I like it... it's a little different."

"Not Naruto, Kank—," Screams around him reminded him that he, the toad, and the baby had another appointment to keep. "Ah, never mind, yes, his name's Naruto."

And so Uzumaki Naruto came into the world.

* * *

Next Time on Trouble Brewing: The Kazekage gets a brilliant idea! Or something.


	5. Foreshadowing

Trouble Brewing in the House of Sand

Chapter 5: Foreshadowing

* * *

"Anita, I have a _great_ idea," the Kazekage announced excitedly to his wife one afternoon.

"Ban _Mr. Sandman_ from the air?" she suggested.

"What? No." Grinning, he held up Shukaku the Evil Teakettle. "We're going to stick this in the baby!"

Rosemary's mouth dropped open. "That's a horrible idea!"

"Aw, come on, Anita."

"You're drunk!" she accused.

"You're high!"

"Not this time," she growled. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Konoha has one!" the Kazekage protested.

"If everyone in Konoha jumped off a bridge-,"

"You don't understand. This child will allow us to harness the chakra of the demon and use it to defend our nation."

"I don't care if it turns the kid into _Chuck Norris_, you are not sticking it in my baby!"

"What could possibly go wrong?"

"Why should we find out? What exactly are we going to do with an evil possessed sand baby, anyway?"

"Ok, so I don't know what we'll do with it, I just want to get this damn spirit out of this kettle so I can finally have a cup of fresh-brewed tea," he admitted, holding up Shukaku to eye level and glaring at it, whispering, "_You're going down, bitch, even if it costs me my first-born son."_

Rosemary decided to ignore her husband's semi-schizophrenic behavior and also not to point out the fact that he had a son, for fear that this would lead to an examination of Kankuro's parentage.

"Lamont, why don't you just buy another tea kettle?"

"We've got a perfectly good one!"

"No, we do not have a perfectly good one! We've got one that is possessed by an EVIL SAND SPIRIT!"

"I'll ban _Mr. Sandman_."

"It would be a shame not to put this kettle to good use... waste not want not and all that."

* * *

Her mood had changed somewhat the next time her husband brought up the demonic-baby idea.

"Anita... sweetie, come on, you said you would."

"But I've come to my senses since then. I mean, think about it, it's a damn bad idea."

"You go, Rosie," Yashamaru yelled encouragingly from the sidelines.

"It's a solid idea!" the Kazekage said, after a quick glare in the direction of his brother-in-law.

"Compared to some of your others, I guess," Rosemary snapped back.

"Ooh, burn," Yashamaru threw in. "You gonna take that from her, Monty?"

Rosemary and her husband turned to the observer angrily. "Yash, shut the hell up!" they yelled in unison.

"Where are the kids?" Rosemary asked her brother suddenly.

Yashamaru blinked. "What kids?"

"OUR KIDS!" shouted Rosemary and the Kazekage.

"Oh..." Yashamaru scratched the back of his neck nervously. "Guess I was supposed to be watching them, huh? I'll just... get back to that."

"Good riddance," muttered the Kazekage when Yashamaru had left. "Anyway, back to the topic at hand."

"I won't do it," Rosemary said. "How are you even planning to seal a spirit in a fetus, anyway? You don't know the first thing about the female reproductive system!"

"I know you get real bitchy when you're on the rag."

"You're not helping your own case much here, Lamont," Rosemary growled.

"Relax, I found someone to do this. She's a professional, she says it won't be any problem."

"You found a professional Demon-Sealing Obstetrician?" Rosemary asked incredulously.

"Please, Anita, just talk to her. If you still have doubts..."

Later, Rosemary would consider it ominous that he just trailed off instead of finishing that sentence.

* * *

A little girl in pigtails greeted the couple at the door of her private clinic. "Hello!" she chirped, offering her hand to them. "I'm Dr. Chiyo Mihama. You must be Mr. and Mrs.--,"

Rosemary took one look at the child and blanched. "Hell no," she exclaimed quietly, then turned on her heel and walked out. "Hell, no."

"Anita," the Kazekage called after her. She slammed the door in his face.

Chiyo sized up the woman she had just met. "No offense, Kazekage-sama, but your wife and I are not going to get along."

"Well, you do seem... a bit... young?"

Chiyo sighed and picked up a tub of "Princess Tsunade's Miracle Age Cream" off the reception desk. "Yeah, I know... it's this crap's fault. It's not joking, it takes you back to your high-school days all right."

* * *

Rosemary walked angrily down the streets of downtown Suna, which was ever-so-slightly war-torn and dismal. Out of sight of Dr Chiyo's Prenatal Care Clinic, she paused to collect herself, leaning against a shop front and listening to the radio music being piped out onto the sidewalk.

_"Give him two lips, like roses in flower, then tell him that his lonesome nights are over!"_

Rosemary winced as her baby kicked happily inside her in response to the jingle. She hesitated. Nine months of this hideous, annoying tune... and who knew how much longer it would top the charts...what kind of person would expose their unborn child to that? What kind of world was he going to grow up in?

* * *

The Kazekage was sitting in the waiting room, soaking a rag in ether, and Chiyo was filling out some liability forms, humming to herself, _"Make him the cutest that I've ever seen,_" when the door swung open, and a determined Rosemary stepped inside.

"Lamont, get the kettle. Let's do this."

* * *

Earlier that week, Temari had gone to her best friend with a serious concern.

"Mr. Shukaku, will you kill my parents for me?"

"Is it the new baby _again_?" the spirit had asked, exasperated. "Temari, you like Kankuro, what's wrong with the new one?"

"No, I want the new baby," she explained. "I just hate my mother and 'father' and uncle."

"Come on, you know they love you."

"Do they? Well, it doesn't matter. I want them to die. Uncle is creepy and Mommy has these weird mood swings all the time and she and Daddy are mean. They don't want Kankuro, either."

"Why aren't you speaking adult? I thought you had started."

"You're changing the subject!" Temari exclaimed. "What kind of evil demon are you, if you won't even kill the Kazekage's family?"

"Being an evil demon isn't all about killing, you know."

"You're just making up excuses because you're lame," she taunted. "Please, Mr. Shukaku, I don't know how to describe it, but they scare me," she pleaded helplessly. "It... it isn't good for us to be around them. We need someone to protect us, and I can't do it myself... I'm not strong enough yet, and it takes so long to grow up..."

Shukaku chuckled affectionately. "Yes, it does," he agreed. A little sand swirled around Temari's wrist. She was quite possibly his favorite person out of every human he had ever met, and he also knew what she meant about her parents; they struck him as irresponsible borderline abusive. "Tell you what. You work on getting stronger, and I'll see what I can do about your parents."

"Thank you, Mr. Shukaku."

"Of course, Temari. Why don't you go find your brother before your uncle can, ok? I'll work on our parent problems."

But the next week, Shukaku was gone.

Oh, the kettle was still there, but it wasn't evil anymore. It boiled water, but it didn't hiss.

"Mama, where's Shukaku?" Temari asked her mother frantically.

"Who?" snapped Rosemary.

"The kettle! Where is he?"

"Oh, Shukaku. He's gone, dear."

"But... but... where did he go?"

Rosemary growled under her breath, flashing back to an unpleasant medical procedure that had pretty much ended all cordial relations with her husband. "I'll tell you when you're older."

Temari stared at the boring old kettle, and burst into tears. "He promised he would help," she cried to herself.

Rosemary rolled her eyes. "Now, Temari, I know you miss your evil teakettle, but you're going to get a little brother or sister instead."

"I want Shukaku back," she sobbed stubbornly.

"Oh, trust me, kid. You'll get Shukaku back," Rosemary muttered darkly. "Oh boy will you get Shukaku back."


	6. Rosemary's Baby

Trouble Brewing in the House of Sand

Chapter 6: Rosemary's Baby

A/N: I was kind of tired when I wrote Rosemary's last speech... sorry.

* * *

"How far apart are the contractions?" asked the obstetrician.

"Never mind the goddam contractions, **someone kill me!**" demanded Rosemary.

"Now, sweetie," the Kazekage started. Rosemary punched him below the belt with all the strength born of being in a great deal of pain and not wanting some _man_ who had never been thorough anything so intense as giving birth to a demon baby try to tell you it was all right. It was very clear to Rosemary that things were NOT all right.

"Don't you 'sweetie' me!" she yelled as her husband doubled over. "When this kid is out, we are never having sex ever again! AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGH!"

"She's doing fine," the doctor said.

"You're doing fine," relayed the Kazekage.

"No, I am NOT doing fine! If I was doing fine, I'd be a virgin!" yelled Rosemary. "Why am I doing this? I HATE kids!"

"Try not to think about the pain... what are we going to name it?"

"Prudence Virginia Chastity if it's a girl, and if it's a boy, we're going to castrate it so it can't grow up and do this to some poor girl!"

The doctor winced. The Kazekage laughed nervously. "She's just joking... I think."

Chiyo, who was watching from the sidelines and having a cigarette (good health system they've got in Suna), commented, "Maybe you two should consider couples' counseling."

"Shut up you old washed up hag!" Rosemary shouted. She and Chiyo had decided to hate each other almost immediately after their introduction. "There's nothing wrong with my marriage that a vasectomy wouldn't fix!"

"I think we're all saying some stuff we're going to regret here," the Kazekage started.

Rosemary tried to swing at him again. "If I live through this, Jafar," she warned.

"Of course you're going to live, Anita."

"You'd better pray I don'--AHHHG!"

"Almost there," the doctor assured her, wondering to himself why there seemed to be so much sand in the room suddenly.

"AAROOOGAH!" replied Rosemary.

"So... names..." the Kazekage once again tried to breach the topic.

Rosemary started to say, "Gawd, just can it, Jafar," but a sudden strong contraction, followed by a determined growl, stopped her, so it came out as a mangled, "Ga— AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH- RRRRRRRAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" And then she passed out.

"Gaara it is," shrugged the Kazekage, filling out the birth certificate and ignoring the doctor and Chiyo (who had suddenly become concerned) scurrying around checking vital signs.

"This isn't good..." the doctor muttered. The Kazekage looked up.

"What? What isn't good?"

"... Something's wrong... We can save the baby, or..." the doctor bit his lip. "Try to save her... one or the other."

"Wha– what do you mean? I thought she was doing fine! You said—,"

"I don't know what's wrong... I've never seen anything like this before..."

"I'll tell you what it is, if you want," Chiyo threw in. "The seal we used on that teakettle ripped up her internal organs pretty good... she's been kept alive this far on its' chakra, but, well, now she's probably dying a slow and painful death," she shrugged.

"Stupid teakettle," whispered the Kazekage, squeezing his comatose wife's hand. "If it comes down to it... save the baby."

"We'll do everything we can for both of them," the doctor assured him. The "we" was something of a lie; Chiyo was planning on doing the bare minimum.

* * *

It is probably for the best that Rosemary didn't wake up until the end, in time to have her new son handed to her.

"Hello, poppet," she whispered weakly, tapping its nose with her finger. "Aren't you a cutie-muffin!" she smiled dopely. "Am I losing blood?"

"Probably," Chiyo said.

"Oh... I'm dying, aren't I?"

"Yup," Chiyo said.

Rosemary glared at her. "Such a compassionate person...I bet your grandkids just _loved_ you." Chiyo flipped her off, and Rosemary went back to talking to the baby. "Poppet, I'm not going to be around much longer, so listen up. Don't trust anyone in this village, ok? 'Cause they're all no-good dirty rotten— what's with all this sand?"

"Don't ask me, I'm just the boy's father," the Kazekage said.

"Hmm... well, anyway, you look out for people from Suna, they're all miserable little scoundrels. All of them. Every last one of them... even me. Forgive me, baby. It was the lesser of two evils... you'll never hear Mr. Sandman, so you'll never understand... Lamont, what's his name?"

"Gaara."

"What the hell? That's not name!" She sighed. "Well, even if no one else loves him, he's got himself. Goodbye, baby," she murmured, kissing the infant's forehead. She turned her head towards her husband and whispered something that Chiyo and the doctor didn't quite catch, and immediately wished that they had, for the Kazekage gasped.

"You remembered?"

"I'd never forget your name, Lamont. I love you. And, Chiyo?"

"Yes?"

Rosemary lifted both her hands off of her bed and flipped up her middle finger on both of them. "Up yours, Granny!"

And then she died.

And so Gaara of the Sand came into the world.


	7. Rosemary's Brother

Trouble Brewing in the House of Sand

Chapter 7: Rosemary's Brother

* * *

"Yashamaru, I have some bad news," the Kazekage greeted his brother-in-law. It was very late, and he was worn out from the events of the day and simply wanted to go to bed and deal with... everything. The last place he wanted to be was talking to a man that he had only put up with for Anita's sake in the first place, but like him or not, Yashamaru had the right to know what had happened.

"Daddy! Daddy! Where's the baby? Is that it?" Temari and Kankuro came running into the foyer of their uncle's house, ruining the moment. "Can we see it? What's it's name?"

"Gaara, he's your new little brother," their father said, dumping the baby-carrier down unceremoniously on the ground near the excited children. "Don't piss him off, your mother spent her last moments telling him to kill everyone who—,"

"Last moments?" Yashamaru asked cluelessly, almost desperately.

"Yash, you may want to sit down," sighed the Kazekage.

As their father broke the news to their uncle, Temari and Kankuro amused themselves with the new baby. And, quite frankly, it was the best new baby ever. Every time they tried to touch it, an inch of so of sand would magically appear to block them. It was great fun.

"Dead?" Yashamaru repeated hollowly. "What do you mean, dead?"

"I'm sorry, Yashamaru. I know you two were close."

Meanwhile, Kankuro tried to fake out the sand by sneaking up behind the baby and poking at it.

"She... she can't be dead. She was fine this morning. I talked to her..."

This proved to be a mistake on Kankuro's part. A sand arm grabbed the boy and picked him up off the ground.

"Uh... Daddy?" called Temari, not taking her eyes off of her two brothers. "Uncle Yasha?"

"AAAH!" screamed Kankuro as the sand tossed him around.

"Uncle Yasha!" Temari yelled again.

"N– not now, Temari," her uncle called back brokenly.

"But, Uncle!"

"Not now!" he snapped. "It was that... _thing_, wasn't it, that killed her?"

"I... miscalculated."

"My sister is _dead_ because of your 'miscalculation'?"

Temari was jumping up and down, trying to snatch Kankuro back from the sand, but he was being held above her head, out of reach. So, she tried to pick up the baby and tell him to stop picking on Kankuro, but the sand lashed out at her, pushing her back. "DADDY!"

"Be quiet, Temari! Yashamaru, you think I don't have myself for this? You think that I didn't love her?"

"Basically, yes, that's exactly what I think."

Temari ran into the next room and dragged the old vacuum cleaner over (her uncle had been cleaning when her father showed up) and, aiming the hose at Gaara and Kankuro as best as her three-year-old hands could, turned it on.

At first the sand resisted, but the vacuum was one of those old, powerful, extremely dangerous models. It kept ripping from Temari's hands, anxious to go after the dirt that dared invade its home. In seconds the sand was gone, leaving Gaara crying and Kankuro with his hand stuck inside the vacuum cleaner hose. Temari turned the power off.

"No," she told the crying baby sternly. "Kankuro is our friend."

Suddenly, the vacuum started bucking as though something living and angry was inside of it. Kankuro started to struggle to free himself from the violent appliance. "'Mari!" he cried, panicked, "I stuck!"

Temari grabbed the end of the hose closest to the vacuum and tugged desperately.

FWOOM! POP!

The vacuum made a bizarre noise and exploded, falling back together in one piece, only now it was smoking. The hose blew off in the blast, leaving a sooty and shell-shocked Temari and Kankuro blinking. The noise frightened baby Gaara so much that he stopped crying.

The Kazekage and Yashamaru noticed none of this in their melancholy conversation. Yashamaru finally stood, his eyes red, and walked to where his niece and nephews were sitting in a silence not unlike that of those who have been struck by lightning. He walked past the remains of his vacuum cleaner and the frazzled Temari and Kankuro without glancing at them and picked up the innocent-looking Gaara. No sand attacked him, although some did follow at his heels as he sat back down with his former brother-in-law.

"To think that such a tiny body could hold such an evil," he whispered. Behind him, Temari and Kankuro blinked once, in unison. As if to agree with their unspoken complaint, a solitary piece of vacuum cleaner dropped to the floor.

* * *

Baby!Temari: Kankuro, I hoped you enjoyed your childhood.

Baby!Kankuro: Why?

Baby!Temari: Because I think it just ended.


	8. Temari and her Brothers

Trouble Brewing in the House of Sand

Chapter 8: Temari and her Brothers

* * *

At their mother's funeral, only Kankuro thought to cry, and although many of the spectators clucked their tongues and whispered sympathetically about the "poor little orphaned thing," it could not really be said that he was crying because his distant and unaffectionate mother was dead. He was crying, Temari suspected, because he was two and confused and uncomfortable and bored. She dug through Gaara's diaper bag and found a doll that had once belonged to her and gave that to him.

Her brother quieted, Temari began to notice the people around her, and it made her uncomfortable. "Why's everyone staring at us?" she asked the teenage son of her father's unimportant flunkie Baki, Baki Jr, who had been commissioned to watch the three children while their father and uncle presided over the burial.

"Because of your brother," Baki Jr. answered. He was a very practical young man and didn't believe that concealing the truth from Temari was going to help her out any in the years to come. "You should get used to people staring at him."

"Why?"

"Because he harbors the spirit of the sand," the boy answered, not caring if the toddler was following the more advanced language or not. "That, and your mother tried to kill herself to keep him from being born."

"She did not!" Temari objected to the slanderous rumor that had brought most of the spectators to the funeral in the first place. "Uncle Yashamaru says that she loved Gaara."

Baki rolled his eyes. "Your Uncle Yashamaru is a crackpot, and crazy to boot. Tell me, Temari-chan, did your mother love you and Kankuro?"

Temari shook her head.

"Then what makes you think she loved Gaara?"

The girl bit her lip thoughtfully, and Baki chuckled at the expression. "You'll be living with that nutcase you call an uncle. My advice is to be less gullible."

"Living with Uncle?"

"Oh, definitely. Your father can't control you three. He can barely control this village." Did we mention that young Baki Jr. has very strong anti-Kazekage political views? Well, he does. He patted Temari on the head, thanking God that he wasn't Yashamaru. Those three kids were fast on their way to being little hell-raisers, and he was just grateful that this funeral was the only time he'd have to take care of them.

Temari sighed and stared at her father and uncle, standing across the grave from her and her brothers. Gaara, lying in the baby carrier next to her, was amusing himself by swirling sand in front of his eyes, and he suddenly let out a happy little giggle.

Temari smiled at him and returned her gaze to her older relatives, to find both of them staring at Gaara, their attention drawn by the tiny noise. She gasped. The pair was glaring with such an intensity that it frightened her. To her three-year-old's perspective, such an angry, hate-filled look was capable of harming a tiny little baby like Gaara, and thinking only of his safety, she stepped between the baby carrier and her father and uncle's line of sight.

_I have to get stronger. Mr. Shukaku held up his end of the bargain, and we're safe from Mom and from Dad, for a while, but I can't depend on him forever. I have to be stronger, so I can protect Kankuro and Gaara..._

Here her thoughts became less reflective and more defiant, directed at the coffin that contained her mother's remains.

_Because I love them, Mama. You and Daddy and Uncle don't, but I do. And I'm going to keep them safe. I'm going to be strong. You'll see._

* * *

Gaara, age three days, tried to focus his eyes, but found that it was easier for him to have the sand swirl wherever his eyes happened to feel like looking. In the distance, black shapes wandered around, looming overhead and speaking in booming, eerie voices, but it didn't bother him much. He had the sand, and the smaller figures next to him, and as far as he was concerned, as long as they were there, everything would be ok.

End: Trouble Brewing in the House of Sand.

* * *

Bonus scene!

"I'm curious, Temari," Gaara said dispassionately after watching his sister threaten a girl who was looking at her and her brothers sideways. "Do you defend us so vehemently because you truly love us, or because you want to prove that you can be a better parent to us than our mother and father were to you?"

Temari, still panting from the sound thrashing she had threatened the other girl with, stared at him for a moment. "Look, it's affection. Take it or leave it."

"I wasn't complaining," Gaara shrugged.

* * *

A/N: Well, this has been fun, hasn't it? -crickets- Or not...

A lot of people write second-generation Naruto fics, but I've always felt that Naruto is kind of a second-generation thing... all of the parents that show up fascinate me, especially the Of the Sands. Wouldn't it be great if there was a prequel anime about everyone's drunk crazy folks? What would it be called? I vote for _InoShikaChou: the Lost Files_, but only because I know that the Hyuuga twins would never get their own spin-off.

Sorry, rant is over.

I know this story is a little different, and really on crack, so thank you for bearing with me until the end! Have a good day, a great life, and may all your fanfiction searches be fruitful!


End file.
